Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Tales of the Spoiler (or, Bruce Willis was a ghost!)

Greetings, humans! It is I, Ardu, second cousin to Uatu and member of The Watchers, our ancient race which observes the goings on of the universe! Each Watcher is charged with but two tasks: to observe and to never interfere.

But that's boring. Like all other Watchers, I see all! I know all! But, unlike my boring brethern, I tell all...for I am...The Spoiler!

The Spoiler


Strange Tales #46Today, I shall spoil for you some silver age Marvel science fiction comics, "Strange Tales" where no plot is too bizarre and the strange turns that fate has in store for ordinary men shall be revealed by...The Spoiler! In other words, what Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and Jack Kirby slaved to make surprising to you mere mortals, I shall spoil by revealing the secret O. Henry-esque twist ending of each tale, thus decreasing your surprise and shock upon reaching the conclusion of the story! Also, I have removed these comics from their hermetically sealed plastic cases, thus spoiling their future resale value. Hah! Prepare for these stories to be spoiled, humans!



The alien spaceships were actually alive!

Strange Tales #101


All along, it was the car who was the killer!

Strange Tales #101


All along, it was the car who saved their lives!

Strange Tales #103


He was actually the descendent of...Gulliver!

Strange Tales #103


Those weren't really giant frogs after all!

Strange Tales #104


Those weren't alien creatures after all...those were time travellers from the future!

Strange Tales #102


Those weren't alien creatures after all...those were...ah, um...transmuted humans changed into weird forms after touching the alien gold!

Strange Tales #106


The man who ran to sea to escape solitary confinement...was Robinson Crusoe!

Strange Tales #105


Those weren't really magic paints...he's a hypnotist!

Strange Tales #106


Those really were magic paints!

Strange Tales #104



So there you go, beings of Earth! Classic science fiction tales from the Marvel comic magazine you call Strange Tales rendered rather less strange by...The Spoiler! I do, in fact, think it would be more apt to call them...Spoiled Tales! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now I, The Spoiler, must take my leave of you, and let me leave you with this story-wrecking spoiler...

Red Hulk is Gwen Stacy


So, humans, farewell from...The Spoiler!

(Also, that Planet of the Apes? It was Earth, all along.)


6 comments:

CalvinPitt said...

See, i think the magic paints were used to hypnotize X-35 into thinking it ran him over, but it actually didn't. Ha, ha, what a stupid HONK!

Wha- ? VROOM! THUD!

Jacque Nodell said...

Thanks Spoiler! That was great! You should spoil some more comics!!!

Novice said...

It's a good thing I've read The Murder of Roger Ackroyd fifteen times and already knew that or I would be very irate!

Phillip said...

I read "Rosebud was his sled" in a Peanuts strip about twenty years before I saw Citizen Kane. Darn that Schulz.

Reg said...

I can't believe that you forgot to mention that Soylent Green is people.

Sol (Frederick) Badguy said...

Now this one with Gwen I wanna see